WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?
The hit song and eponymous biopic from which this title is derived depict a lovely and talented young lady whose troubling relationship experience led to gross disenfranchisement with the concept of love. The beauty and redeeming aspects of her story resound in the fact that she did not allow her traumatic experiences to define the limits of her destiny but rose above them to produce these and other albums and movies, ultimately winning numerous awards and honors and establishing herself as one of the bestselling recording artists of all time1.
We are the product of Love and without a doubt, created to love and be loved. Note the deliberate capitalization in this paragraph’s first mention. Love is not a feeling, He is a person – the source, essence, and epitome of its purest and most genuine form.
“Beloved, let us love one another. For love is of God, and anyone that loves is born of God and knows God. He that does not love, does not know God, for God is love.” (1 John 4:7-8).
Love has been and always will be a hot topic, and understandably so. It is natural and essential to our existence; desired in some shape or form by even the strongest, most independent, and most stoic among us.
What then is love? In a world enamored by its concept & possibilities but grossly misinformed by society’s false projections & insensibilities, it is important to define, refine and align with the reality of what it is, so we are never lost, deceived, or destroyed by the mirage of what it is not.
Many written works & teachings abound regarding the various types of love and the merits and demerits of the genuine vs the fake (God’s original defining thoughts & plans regarding it within the context of any relationship versus the world’s theories and portrayals). Our intention is not to unearth all those insights in this discourse (readers are encouraged to immerse themselves in such material on their own, and if needing pointers, can reach out to us at the email address shared below or on our contact page), but to highlight clearly what love is NOT, regardless of the setting in which it is engaged.
A dear family member relays an impactful lesson he learned from his banking days. Bank tellers handle cash of various denominations and currencies daily and run the constant risk of erroneously accepting counterfeits. Banks deal effectively with this by training their employees to recognize real money. They sensitize them to the look, feel, smell & other distinguishing characteristics of the real so that they can easily detect the fake when encountered. Developing an adroitness for identifying the real naturally results in the ability to discern the myriads of circulating counterfeits quickly and accurately, thereby protecting the institution from being a victim of fraudulent transactions.
Similarly, genuine love is best identified by sensitization to what it is NOT i.e., by carefully studying its distinct and defining characteristics. Scriptures abound to this end, but for the sake of this discourse, we will only focus on two:
“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
“We know what real love is because Jesus gave his life for us. So, we also ought to give our lives for others.” (1 John 3:16)
Of course, after reading these, it becomes impossible to ignore the flagship verse that introduces these defining characteristics to humanity:
“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, …” (John 3:16a)
All these glaringly point to one commonality and defining trait of any true love – it gives, not pretentiously, stingily, or reservedly, but generously, selflessly, tirelessly, and guilelessly. This type of giving encompasses the broad range of all bios2 tender, i.e., physical, emotional, spiritual, occupational, etc., which are deposited and dispensed to and from spiritual, emotional, and other corresponding intangible banks.
This attribute of distinctive, qualitative yet unqualified giving, coupled with findings from our original love-defining Scripture, explicitly reveal what love is NOT, thereby unequivocally demonstrating what the real deal IS:
1. It is NOT avaricious or parasitic, but is giving and benevolent, qualified as previously described (i.e., generous, selfless, enduring, etc.). If it purports to give but in a manner that is opposite or absent of any of the above – be very clear & mindful that what is being proffered is a counterfeit, no matter how cloaked in sheep’s clothing it might appear.
2. It is NOT demeaning or condescending but is honoring and esteeming. It seeks to esteem the recipient, regardless of the latter’s actions, conditions, or station in life. Any hint otherwise is devoid of true love.
3. It is NOT blind or ignorant, but insightful and educated (i.e., knowledge-based). It seeks to know God in ever-increasing measure and by so doing, grows and exercises its senses to distinguish between good and evil3. A person who has never met God or exhibits actions that deny Him4 may have strong or passionate eros or similar feelings for the recipient, but it will be of limited capacity and questionable authenticity. No one can give what they do not have, and no one can have what they have never encountered.5 If a person who does not love does not know God, a person who does not know God does not (cannot) truly love.6
Herein lies the great fallacy of “love at first sight”. It is impossible to love (in the sense of a close friendship/romantic relationship) a person one does not know (this is not to be confused with the general love of humanity, acquaintances or unknown individuals acquired through God’s agape love dispersed in the heart of every Jesus -follower at their salvation encounter with the Holy Spirit7). It is, however, very possible to be attracted to, lust after, admire, be intrigued by, or otherwise infatuated with a subject of romantic (or other compelling) interest at initial encounters. True intimate love is just not possible at those initial stages of acquaintance because it is based on one’s knowledge of the beloved.
This knowledge base is what distinguishes the God-kind of romantic (eros) love from all the pseudo-love syndromes and frank counterfeits parading the love arena today. The lover knows and is known (connected) to the originator, personification & source of love, and is thus empowered to love genuinely. Having received the immeasurable, unconditional love of the One Who knows him thoroughly, this lover is empowered to dispense the same to his or her love recipients, thus perpetuating a genuine “love cycle”.
This by no means discounts the generous measures of parental, familial, and friendship love/camaraderie inherently bestowed to and through all of humanity at creation as an extension of man’s origination from God. In their natural states, these can be strong and enduring, but cannot be guaranteed. They will always demonstrate various human limitations, fallibility, and self-motivated actions and desires; all of which are natural by-products of man’s fall.
Emotional Exchange
Numerous spiritual and scientific resources enlighten readers in the areas of personality types and love languages. While neither of these is the subject of today’s discussion, below are findings of a recently developed theory which attempts to characterize emotional behaviors within relationships by analyzing the interplay of expressions of love. It has undergone no scientific studies or psychometric testing, nor has it been otherwise vetted or validated. It makes no claims, nor does it propose to be a means of definitively typing or characterizing people, relationships, or emotions. It is purely observational in nature and largely hypothetical in utility. As with typical disclaimers, please be advised that the postulations expressed are merely those – postulations – and simply seek to express the author’s cogitations and deductive reasoning regarding certain psychological & biblical relationship concepts.
That clear, we will examine various emotional (relational) personality types by presenting an observational exposé on the types of emotional exchange that may occur within interpersonal relationships. The nomenclature is reflective of the author’s healthcare background and resulting life lens.
Emotional Exchange Personality Types
(Grace’s Theory on Emotional Exchange®)
This theory proposes four main types of emotional exchange personalites as follows:
The Patient Personality Type: These persons are mostly aware or only focused on their own emotional needs and on how to get those needs met. They rarely see beyond themselves or when they do, may be too self-absorbed to rise above them to see to the needs of others.
A subset of this type may “give love” as a means of manipulating others or circumstances to achieve their goals. They may become highly proficient at “giving” or withholding their version of love as a manipulative mechanism and may be very demanding in their approach.
If left unchecked, this emotional personality type may develop into frank narcissism, psychopathy, sociopathy, or on the lighter spectrum of the scale, may become an emotional or sociological leech. In between those ends of the spectrum could be the evolution into a Cluster B personality type.
2. The Caregiver Personality Type: These persons are givers by nature and usually focused on those they love. They seek to meet the needs of their loved ones, but often without boundaries and at the expense of their emotional tanks & general well-being. They are often enablers, feeding the emotional avarice of the Patient personality type, and are prone to fostering emotional co-dependency.
They are usually very well-intentioned but often poor in execution, fueling many of the destructive tendencies of their love- recipients. They may possess low self-esteem, lack a strong sense of purpose, or harbor a fear of rejection or abandonment, any of which may drive their need for approval. Their constant capitulation to the unreasonable demands of others often demonstrates this.
This emotional exchange personality type may characterize a fair number of American parenting styles and could be largely prevalent in domineering, abusive relationships of the romantic kind.
3. The Ancillary Services Personality Type: These persons allow themselves to give and receive a measured amount of emotional love, expending themselves engrossingly and wholeheartedly, and then “go home at the end of the day,” i.e., they venture out of themselves and can be emotionally present to give and receive some level of emotional love, but often retreat into their shells after periods of doing so. Their approach is like that of any ancillary services personnel – they come in and get the job done, often with kindness, empathy & professionalism (i.e., they give a predetermined amount of emotional love), get paid for their services (i.e., receive a predetermined amount of emotional love), then return to their abodes until their services are needed and/or they are available again. They may seem somewhat transactional in their approach, but they are no less genuine or efficient in their love delivery system and desired outcomes.
Their approach may be fostered by past experiences which have conditioned a wariness or overprotectiveness of their emotions, but which still permit a measure of genuine and healthy emotional exchange.
4. The Provider/Nurturer Personality Type: These individuals give and receive emotional love without measure yet do so within stated boundaries. In other words, they treat emotional love as a genuine, unquantifiable, and unpredictable exchange. They realize the fluidity of God’s love and naturally avail themselves to give and receive it unconditionally and unreservedly within healthy boundaries.
They understand that they are to love wholly and selflessly, but no matter their good intentions and tendencies, this love is not inherently boundless within them but must be continually cultivated and outsourced from its original Author. They acknowledge their love limitations, which helps to create boundaries, habits & expectations within their relationships. This ensures the protection of their love tanks from depletion and that they are constantly positioned for filling and repletion by their external Source.
They can thus love again where they have failed or have had others fail them and can overcome great odds, resulting in their ability to love the unlovable, forgive the unforgivable, do the impossible, yield to the unyielding, etc., within the safety of a God-enthroned love. This healthy disposition enables the ready impartation of wisdom to discern what is acceptable versus unacceptable (e.g., inordinate affections, abusive or demeaning behaviors, pressure to meet unreasonable emotional demands or fill spiritual or psychosocial spaces only God can, etc.). Thus empowered, they refuse unhealthy relationships and codependency, giving freely and tirelessly while instinctively knowing when to refrain or pull back into love’s predetermined boundaries for optimal results.
What is your emotional exchange personality type within each relationship of your life? Is your love the bountiful God-kind, or is it restricted, self-absorbed and self-serving? Are you a giver, a taker, or another kind of lover?
I encourage you to transform your love and relationship trajectories by receiving into your heart the personification of love Himself, Jesus Christ the Author of life, and to allow His immense & perfect love to transform yours (by a daily immersion in His presence & Word) into the very best kind there is: the God-kind! If you don’t know how or want to know more, please contact us today on our contact page or @ [email protected].
What’s love got to do with it? Scrutinize your relationships, then YOU tell me!
BIBLIOGRAPHY
1. Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tina_Turner
2. Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance of The Bible: The period or duration of earthly life; the way a person invests (or spends) the gift of physical life
3. Hebrews 5:13
4. Titus 1:16
5. 1 John 4:19
6. 1 John 4:8
7. Romans 5:5